First Vent

 I am stuck! Literally and figuratively. I am a woman, 55 years old, Catholic, more specifically a recovering, recovering Catholic (we’ll get into that in a later blog post). I am also the mother of five grown sons, and a wife, among many other titles that have come and gone. I started this blog because, frankly, being all these things is difficult, and I don’t want to do them anymore. I am now overweight, out of shape, broke, deep in debt, with no one to vent to. So I’m going to vent here, and I hope someone reads it. Where do I start…….

Marriage

I’ll start with marriage: It sucks much of the time! Not my husband, he’s ok, he’s not perfect, he’s more perfect than I am, but he’s not a problem. I love him! I think God sent him to me, why, I have no idea. 

Kids

I have 5 sons: I should have raised them in the Church, in a Christian way, to believe in God, all that, but I was away from the Church seeking spirituality, so I didn’t give them any. I was being the cool mom who told them they could find their own way and do their research to figure out their own beliefs. In other words, lazy. I was lazy. Not only about their spiritual upbringing, but about parenting as a whole. My kids lived, they aren’t perfect either, but they are getting there. 

Household

Other than husband and kids who have all moved out thankfully, my household consists of one ball python named Lucy, two chihuahuas, Luna and Grace, and a Pomeranian named Dolly. Why is Pomeranian the only breed capitalized? Because, Pomittude is real!! If you know, you know! 

Miscellaneously, we live in a mobile home, but I insist, we are not trailer trash mostly because I don’t even know what that means, we live in the desert of Arizona, and I have made a complete mess of my whole life. Which is where you come in. Here is my first vent.

Friends

I have friends. Mostly people from my Catholic Parish, but I can’t vent to them, why? Because I find that most people, Christians included don’t do well with friends who have needs! We are good, God fearing people who will give the shirts off our backs to strangers any day of the week and then tell everyone at church how much we did, how good it felt and how we are definitely going to heaven now! But we get really uncomfortable when the people we know need that shirt. Maybe because we like to live under the delusion that God will take care of our every material need since we are Christians. Maybe because we could easily be in that situation and don’t want to know that it is a possibility. Maybe because we want to help but can’t and are too uncomfortable to even listen. 

Maybe it’s because as much as we grandstand what we have done, for others, it’s never as big as we remember. I mean, did I really help that stranger with what they actually needed, or did I give them what I thought I could spare in that moment. 

“I helped a homeless person have a nourishing meal today so they could get through the morning, and I told them where they could go for their next one.” Sounds a whole lot better than, “I gave a guy a dollar because he was at the stop sign and I happened to be stopped next to him and I felt guilty.” 

I’m trying to say that I have friends who are concerned with my well being both physical and spiritual, but who I would never ask to listen to my problems (self made, I know) unless it was not financial, and not emotional, because most people in my experience don’t want to hear it in person, it makes them anxious. 

So what are my problems exactly?

First Vent-Financial Issues

Seven years ago, we sold a house. With that money, we bought another house. After we bought that house, we still had over $100,000 in the bank. My husband gets pension payments, I bring in some money from different jobs. Everything was going great. 

Until, the first kid needed money because he was between jobs. So what did mom do? I paid his bills, and fed him until he found a job. Did he find work? Yes, but he needed training, and licenses for that and who paid for them? You know the answer. At the time we also had an 18 year old going out on his own for the first time. He needed first and last month’s rent and security deposit. I gave it to him. With all this, and the utility bills I paid for miscellaneous sons who couldn’t make them, we were broke by the end of 2019. That was under one year. 

So, we sold that house, bought a cheaper house in a cheaper area, this mobile home, and had money in the bank again. Then Covid hit, I had an aunt move near me who needed help, and all the kids needed stuff again. Like a sucker I paid for all of it, with more promises to pay me back, and don’t worry, this time we really will pay it back. So, 5 years later, we are broke again, deep in debt, behind on our mortgage, payday loans, title loan on the car, credit cards, I have delinquencies, and a credit score well under 500. Probably under 400 but I would rather not know the exact number. 

Is this all their fault, NO! It’s mine. I didn’t exactly live like a minimalist that whole time. I bought things I wanted, made donations to various charities pretending that if I gave, God would give back to me. It doesn’t work that way. I knew that then, and I know it now. 

Faith-or my idea of it

So what does God do for me? He gives me hope mostly. Hope that the steps I am taking to try and dig myself out of this mess will work, hope that I have learned from my mistakes this time and won’t put myself and my husband in this situation again. 

He gives me strength to get through it, strength to hope I can say no next time, strength I need to keep living and keep going to Mass, keep going to confession, keep receiving Jesus in the Eucharist which gives me comfort. He even gave me the strength to write this blog. 

He gave me a Blessed Mother who comforts me with her prayers, and her love and support. Most of the time I can’t physically feel these things, but I know they are real. How do I know they are real? That will be another post, I have 55 years of life, I can’t get it all out today. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed, stuck and drowning in your life, I hope it gives you comfort knowing you are not alone. I am right there with you, and would really like to read your venting in reply to this blog. Just remember that there will be those who say that we are whining and we just have to work harder. I know that, I’m trying, I think we all are.